Anxious Laugh

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           FRESH PEEEEE!
         © Port Whitman Times 1998
     A friend of mine is in the urine testing business. As he so delicately puts it, "I'm a piss collector." Well, if you say so, lad. But apparently it's lucrative, affording him a nice living. Well, SOMEBODY'S got to do these things; better him than me though, gives me a creepy feeling just thinking about it. Want to go wash my hands. But it's surely a growing business.
     If alas, we have to cave in to inevitability and all be subjected to urine testing for illegal drugs, a good place to start would be in the lines on the public dole. The Homeless line, the Unemployment line, the Welfare line. After all, we are GIVING these people our money, which we pay in taxes or premiums, and it certainly is worth knowing if we are urinating it away in cocaine, heroin or any of the substances which cripple the will and muddy the resolve of the helpless to become self-sufficient.
     How many of our tax dollars ultimately go to buy drugs for recipients of public funds or their families & friends can only be crudely estimated, but surely we know the main market for drugs is in the ghettoes, where welfare is a major source of income, and that the sale of drugs in the ghettoes corresponds roughly to the monthly issuance of government checks.
     But how to conduct the tests? Should the welfare worker descend unannounced upon the recipient's house and collect the specimen, watching to make sure it's legitimate? Or could the recipient be trusted to bring in a sample to exchange for the monthly payment?

     I can see it now, mom sends junior in with her little bottle of tinkle ‹ "My mom's sick, and she asked me to bring this in..." And soon another pricey item would emerge as a ghetto staple, with the vendors going up and down the streets yelling "Peeeeee, get your fresh sample, fresh, clean peeeeeeee..."
     Opportunity, the American way.                          Henry Francisco-Portwhitmantimes

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©Port Whitman Times

Enticing opinions
Of those whose dominions
Spur thoughtful reactions
Might lead to infractions
Arising within y'uns 

Perform a bricolage
Of actions to dislodge
Seized up thinking
From realities a-shrinking
Thus calamities to dodge

Horizontal thinking
Lying down thus shrinking
From physical existence
Might just fortify resistance
To deportment that is stinking

Train your ear to tell
Good tunes from bad; well
Now it isn't hard
If you're on your guard
Against music that fails to impel

Henry Francisco

Remove the influence of money;
Government runs smooth as honey
Replacing the lobbyists
With lawmaking hobbyists
Making things go much more sunny