A BARGAIN    ©PortWhitmanTimes2005
LAWYER: (On the phone) ..."Yes, Chief, I see, but you do have it down to a by inci-dent cost as I understand it from the statistics released in the newspaper. Correct? So, we see it costs you so much per, ah, crime to dispatch a patrol car, expose the officers to the danger they might face, then, hopefully, capturing the perp, doing the paperwork, incarcerating him, feeding him, maybe even a suicide watch, and then going on to prose-cute and imprison him or her for a specified sentence. I'm proposing to save you all that trouble, Chief, and for a very reasonable fee.
     I represent a person, might be male, fe-male, that's not important, let's call this per-son a potential perpetrator, who, with the proper incentive, might just be dissuaded from causing you all that trouble by just saying no to the inclination to do a certain as yet unspecified crime. Result: your officers can then attend to more immediate matters, and the folks at the target institution, let's say a bank, won't have to go through the trauma of a crime episode, with the attendant dan-gers that crime might represent to not only life and limb, but the institution's financial resources. Just think, a liquor store, say, might have its cash register emptied, its cash-ier put in mortal danger, its owners deprived of their Christmas money, etc., OR, say it's Black Friday, a business might be prevented from achieving its annual goal of solvency, might even have to close. Moreover, innocent people might be hurt or put out of work. Could you have that on your conscience?
     But of course you're not concerned with what the business owner might suffer, understandably you only want to deal with crime itself, and I'm here to help you do that - by making sure a certain crime never hap-pens. Then your department and your officers are spared the inconvenience of even having to answer the call, draw their weapons, ex-pose themselves to danger, and for what? So some petty felon can buy more jewelry and a bigger car? Speaking of which, think of the money you'll save on vehicle expense by not having to indulge in a long chase after the incident, covered by helicopter on TV, ex-posing your department to embarrassment if the chase doesn't catch the perp, or, God forbid, if innocent people are hurt.
     My fee? Not to worry, chief, it comes out of the proceeds of the case paid by the muni-cipality to my client, my commission for my time spent. Even if there are no proceeds, my charge to my client is on an hourly basis, no cost to the city or the police department over and above the initial imbursement. To cover it, you can just take the money out of your petty cash account, justifying it by the bald fact that you have prevented a crime, thus giving you a positive bump in your statistics. In fact, maybe we can make this a regular thing if it works out. We, you and I in part-nership, prevent crimes, your stats go down, the city is safer, and we provide a better way of making a living for the many perpetrators who might otherwise be out on the street committing felonies, harming innocent peo-ple, and ending up in the criminal justice system costing society at large upwards of $40,000 per year. This could be a very big thing for the city, and for your career, Chief. A lot cheaper than dealing with crimes and criminals after the fact. 

     It's a win-win bargain, Chief, talk it over with your staff, I'll call you back in an hour so we can set up the amount and terms of payment. How much? Of course it depends on the potential crime, but we can discuss that once you've made your decision. No Master-Card, Amex, PayPal or eBay please.      Cash is better."   HenryFrancisco PW Times

  • If it tastes good, then
  • Remember for the next time,
  • Anticipating...

New Camden Times

​​​LIMERICKS © Port Whitman Times

​Go to where? What to do?
Avoidance of mem'ries to rue…
The future's not clear
So, which way to steer
In search of ends to pursue?

The future's a gamble
As we go toward a bramble
Of growth that's uncertain
Toward final curtain
Conclusively trudging a shamble

Sun shines thru the window
Another Cielito Lindo
Lighting piano Keys
A tune from which I squeeze
A wish to be rolling in dough

Heather growing on the hill
Yearns in blossom to fulfill
Bless'd occasions
Repairing abrasions
Nature's aspects thus distill

Prospectively dying,
Brings doctors relying
On steps they connive
To keep one alive
Medications applying

The workplace beckons
As soon as one reckons
That like it or not
To exist one ought
To give motion its seconds

Music is nought but caprice
To dazzlingly release
Whimsy's composer
Who acts as a poser
In notes fabricating a feast

Spirits: the target
Of musical argot
Tempting the souls
With euphonic strolls
Begetting a tuneful strut

Think, would you want
To be thought a savant 
Whose intelligence smothers
Or else could your druthers
Resign you to be nonchalant

Where to go, what to do
Hinges now and then on who
You are and where you're at
On the bench or up to bat–
Exhibiting competence hitherto

Henry Francisco

It's easy to get fat:
Gobbling food up "stat"
Intoning prolific
Proclaiming pontific
Pigging out while you chat